I too often find myself awake at 2 in the morning thinking, writing, reading, praying. I love sleep. I love sleep much too much. However, some nights, my head doesn’t hit the pillow quite as hard. My mind doesn’t dwindle into oblivion quite as fast. Some nights, sleeping is the last thing on my mind. Nights like this.
I leave for college in less than two days, and it being my freshman year, I am “happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way.” I am mostly excited as I anticipate the glory of the college years! All the stories I grew up on from my parents are finally catching up to me! So many opportunities await me and I can barely contain my excitement!
As excited as I am… I definitely have a healthy dose of nervousness. I’m much less worried about what people will think of me, than to think that I might miss out in some way. Most of my high school friends are scared that they might not fit in well enough, might not be accepted. They will miss their homes and families, and might even end up settling for a community college closer to home instead. (Which is in no way demeaning!) I, contrarily, have always been the independent type, just waiting for my shot alone in the world. This independence comes with the fear that I might miss out. There are so many people waiting to be met, so many books waiting to be read, so many places waiting to be explored! Oh what adventures God is waiting to have with us!
No, I do not dread being unaccepted. I do not fear missing home. No, my greatest trepidation is that I will not seize the life God has put before me. That I would not live every moment in his presence. That I would become so self-encumbered that I would not see the feast of blessings God wants to give me. That I would not be in sync with Creation in glorifying my Savior with every breath. That I would waste my youthful years pursuing things which have no lasting value. I heard a quote a few days ago at a camp I was visiting.
“Our greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter.”
As a very young and unwise incoming college freshman, I pray not to be lost in the bustle of things. That I would not be swept up in the pursuit of my own desires, but that I would succeed in the things of God. That I would press on to know my God. And in my humble pursuit of him, I pray that in this next season of my life, he would take me deeper than my feet could ever wander on their own accord. Take me deeper into the very Holy of Holies as I venture on to the next 4 years of my life.